You Know Not to Take It Personally: Here’s Why You Still Do

A conversation goes poorly, and your mental chatter explodes. No matter how many times you’ve heard the advice “don’t take it personally,” no matter how often you’ve tried to “let them,” you end up burning precious time and energy thinking the worst. They are angry at me. They don’t like me. They are defying me.

Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s because knowing you should let it go doesn’t explain why it feels personal in the first place.

Have you noticed it’s always the same people who trigger you? They cut in before you finish a thought. Or they go quiet when you just need a simple answer. Maybe they want to get someone else’s input before they commit. Or every inspired idea you bring to them receives a response like “That could work, but what about [insert small problem here].”

After enough of those moments, a story forms with a motive you’ve assigned to their behavior: they don't respect you, or they're quietly working against you. By the time you're rage-texting your group chat about You-Know-Who, it feels like a bad relationship.

I have good news for you: that adversarial story is usually wrong. They aren’t against you; they simply communicate in a way that makes you think they are.

Why it feels so personal

Decades ago, David Merrill and Roger Reid conducted research showing that people favor one of four communication styles, depending on two things: how assertive we act when we want to persuade someone and whether we are more comfortable showing our emotions or containing them. As a certified communications trainer, I call these four styles Communication Comfort Zones, because they are behaviors we are comfortable using. When we have to behave differently, we get uncomfortable.

Something else develops alongside our Communication Comfort Zone behavior. It’s Style Bias. We subconsciously believe that our way of communicating is “right.”

So when people communicate differently than we do, something feels wrong. Maybe they don’t know what the “right” thing to do is. Or maybe they don’t like us.

Why do we jump to judgment so easily? It’s a combination of the way behavior across styles differs and how we misinterpret normal behavior as something threatening.

For example, I am most comfortable communicating in a less assertive style. I only interrupt someone when I am super frustrated. But interrupting is everyday behavior for more assertive communicators. It may, in fact, indicate that they are excited about your conversation.

Similarly, because I persuade people gently, I get blunt only when I’ve lost patience. So a teammate who is blunt by habit seems angry at me.

If you are comfortable in a more assertive style, you only disengage or disappear when you are not interested, or you’re at your frustration limit. But less assertive communicators take space as a normal activity. Going silent is something you’d do if you weren’t interested. So someone slowing down to process or build support before re-engaging looks like rejection or defiance to you.

Their normal behavior looks like your behavior when you are upset. So you take it personally.

How do we fight our subconscious Style Bias?

The empty boat

In an old story from the writings of Zhuangzi, a man is rowing through fog when another boat rams him. He shouts into the fog at the driver, but gets no answer. So he shouts louder and waves his oar to clear the fog. Then he sees the other boat is empty, having drifted loose from a dock upriver.

The impact of the accident is the same, but his anger drains away as he sees no one is fighting against him. The flowing river has just put two objects in the same place.

What alternative story can you tell

Clashes between communication styles are inevitable, but you can change how you think about the interactions. Start by telling a story where no one is in the boat and observe the behavior.

Use the appropriate mantra to help:

• For all of us, assume positive intent: "They didn't steer the boat into me on purpose. We're in the same river, heading in the same direction."
• When slow responses frustrate you: "Their caution isn't a personal attempt to stall my progress."
• When pushiness rattles you: "Their speed isn't impatience aimed at me. It’s aimed at everyone."
• When your excitement gets a flat response: "Their restraint isn't rejection of my ideas. Thoughtfulness means care."
• When getting further input feels like defiance: "They aren’t wasting my time. They are taking time to fully commit."

Pick the reminder that fits you and put it on your lock screen before your next conversation with You-Know-Who.

Your own comfort zone determines which behaviors set you off. If you’re curious about finding which Communication Comfort Zone applies to you, take my free Communication Comfort Zones quiz.